ReVamp of the Blog

So a bunch of my beautiful friends have told me that I should start my own blog... be it to rant & rave, be it share my NYC experiences.... or just basically chat it up. Well I have decided to make them all smile, particularly Kate & Chris, who have said it on more than one occasion and give it a whirl. So the plan is to attempt at least a once a week post, if not more often... whenever the mood strikes but more often. Let me know what you think of the idea with a quick little comment! And look out for the newest update! For now its back to writing papers! 

End the Backlog

Well life... you are getting to me... But there things that are getting to me more. One of my biggest passions in life is helping sexual assault victims. Anyone who knows me, knows that I fight for them with every inch of my soul.

One way that I do that is to volunteer my time to help those in crisis, whether immediate or a crisis of the mind for the moment. Both are important times to be there for someone.

I found out about the option to be able to help in this matter through the Joyful Heart Foundation (www.joyfulheartfoundation.org). This same organization, along with their founder, Mariska Hargitay, brought to my attention an issue that is beyond unacceptable to me. There is currently a backlog of untested rape kits in this country that is in the hundreds of thousands. Thats hundreds of thousands of victims' kits just sitting on the shelves in crime labs or police stations, just sitting there. Sometimes thats all the evidence for that victim.

By these kits sitting on shelves, you are preventing their offenders from being captured, you are saying in the long run that it is acceptable to do these heinous acts. If that was not hard enough to deal with, there is the actual exam, which can take from 4-6 hours, and may cause a victim to relive the entire experience as they are photographed and examined from head to toe. So they go through the trouble of having this exam, and then the evidence gathered from it just sits on a shelf untested! What else can this say to a victim except, we don't care. Why do we ask them to go through it and then have it just sit there?

Finally, as a volunteer, how can I suggest heading to get a rape exam done and have the kit completed. when I know the chances of it actually being tested are slim. This is something that I cannot do with a right mind, and has made me question how we volunteer and help these victims.

Therefore, I ask that you check out endthebacklog.org to see the ways that you can help endthebacklog.

Something's In Life...

Should remain the mystery they start out as. The mystery I have recently uncovered is one that both warms and breaks my heart. It's nothing earth shattering or that would make the world stop or even make anyone else take notice. It's merely a change of thought in my own heart ~ more of realization of sorts. I choose to work through it in this blog; which may bore you... but its something that needs to be done this evening. Thanks for suffering through for just a moment.

In my life I have been blessed to have known four amazing women (my great grandma, my two grandmas and my godmother). My godmother aka aunt was the most important and amazing of them all. She fought an adversity different than what most would consider an adversity, but needless to say she had to fight hard more often than not just to do some simple tasks. She was not disabled in your standard terms, and she would kill me for even an illusive reference of the sort... However, she did have medical problems, for my whole life, that did make somethings more complicated than they normally were. That's were I came in, I was always her little helper and I loved every minute of it. As I got older and the tasks got more complex, it started to hit home what it all really meant in the end. I knew that she would likely never live long enough and I started to appreciate every moment more and more. As the health issues started to increase, so did my time with her. And then I got scared... I didn't want to face what I knew as the truth anymore; so I stepped back. She knew what was happening and never pressed the issue. She knew I would come back and would want her to focus on herself so that we could get back to business. Little did I know that the business would be forever unfinished.

I still remember everything about that night clear as day .... a visit to the hospital was planned. I put my head in the sand and said that I would see her later. My godfather (aka uncle) pleaded and said he would drive the 45 minutes back to bring me (that should've been my first clue) up. I smiled to myself and thought that he was overreacting, then asked him to tell her I love her and to get some rest, that I would see her soon. On all counts it was best that he did not come to get me; but within that 45 minutes she passed away. If my uncle had come, she would have been alone and even now I am beyond happy that she had someone by her side. However, I also wonder to myself if that phone call was her one last effort to get me to focus on the reality of the situation ~ her silent way of telling me what she knew was coming. But she also knew me so well; that she knew pushing me was not the way to get to me and while I wish she had, it still makes me smile to know that she stuck to our way of doing things. I will always run for her, no matter what and it makes me sad that I was not strong enough at that point to do it that one last time.

So all this background for what.... Well, I have always and will continue to live my life with her in the back of my head. She is always my conscience and the second thought I have before I ever do anything. For a period of time, I lost her. I lost sight of the things that I should have been doing and the direction that my life was to go in. During this time, I feel it was that I stopped listening and paying attention and thats how I ended up in some of the sketchy situations that I did.

Then as I was rapidly approaching 30, I started to reassess myself. Things in my life took dramatic turns that were unexpected ~ basically things that caused me to stop; take stock and make sure that I focused and paid attention. It was time I took the reins on my life and made something happen with it. Enough was enough.

When you have lost that kind of focus, it is often hard to find it again and its especially hard to find the motivation to want to change. So I flailed this way and that for a little while. I took some time and just found myself some new interests. I really looked at the things that mattered to me. The things that really made me stand up and pay attention. I have always been huge on volunteering and making a difference. I always try to give as much of myself as I have available, which sometimes is more than others. But I digress. So during my self-discovery, I found the show Law & Order SVU ~ and I wanted to know more about the situations talked about on the show and how one could help the people in the real world, who experienced such horrendous acts, etc. So as I traveled along in my research, I learned more about the lead actress, Mariska Hargitay. I learned that she is amazing and beautiful person and that she fights hard for what she believes in. I also found out about her foundation, the Joyful Heart Foundation, and all it does, etc. I also found out how to get more involved and I started along the process of doing just that.

I also found myself looking at my career choices and refocusing them to specific areas and things that I wanted to do. And I went out and applied to them and went after some of them. (Still in this process). But along the way, I have always cited (crazy as it will sound, but I often find that it does not matter where the inspiration/motivation comes from as long as it comes) Mariska as being the inspiration for the magical changes that I have been making come alive in my life. I have always said that she just makes me want to be better than I am and push beyond who I am now to something more. But I could never pinpoint why on earth that was the case.. .Why did this one particular person and all their good deeds cause me to react far differently than any other? Was it her celebrity status? Was it her role on my favorite show? What was it? It was a question that was always in the back of my mind...


This evening, it was like a light bulb went off in my brain. She is the big, in person, loud voice in my head that I had shut off years ago. She is everything that my aunt was personified again. It is going to (again) sound crazy.... But it is almost like my aunt came down and forced my hand by converging her soul with something that she figured that I would wake up and pay attention to. I don't know how the universes converged or if they even did, and while i know it sounds crazy because I don't know how to make sense of it all... but I do know it has brought a little semblance of peace to my life and some understanding as to how I have suddenly found myself more grounded than ever. How I am standing up for choices and loving the choices I am making. How I have found a confidence that had never been there before. How just everything has become about sticking to my guns. I guess it all just makes sense to me now, that she is back on my side and giving me visual references for those times when I start to slide back or lose faith.

So it is with some sadness and regret, and yet an unbridled happiness that this mystery of life is uncovered... as I began this blog, I was sad. It reminded me of the one choice of my life that I carry regret for; of the one I miss so deeply it cuts to the bone; and it hurt to feel all that again. But now as I work on the end and have worked through all that; I am happy to know that the voice in my head is back and that the angel is with me; and if not right beside me ... she is out in the world giving a voice to all the things that are so extremely important to me. She is doing all that she ever wanted to do; fight for those who most deserved a voice.

So, I continue with my journey. I continue to be inspired/motivated (and often humbled) by Mariska Hargitay ... and always by my aunt.

And Mariska, just so you know, there is a loud angel right by your side.... she will protect you when even you don't know you need it... She will add voice to your voice... (And she was a big SVU fan ... I remember seeing those first couple of seasons with her)

So may my readers think I am insane, this is my life, my realization, and something that needed to be experienced in my life at this time. And it brought me peace on this evening... something that I have needed for some time.

Never Explain

I rarely like to explain myself, where I come from, or how I get to the points that I come to. But so many push for the answers as to why you do and think the things that you do. It's not the concern of another as to why I do what I do, as long as I am happy in the end. As a friend or family member, it should be the only concern - as long as I am not in physical or mental danger ... shouldn't it all be accepted as it is. I would like to understand everything that those closest to me do, but I know that in the end I won't ever understand it all because I do not live in their head, nor would i want to. My own head is enough to contend with. However, as each person seeks an answer to my life plan or what not, I find that the questions become more and more annoying. I am not sure what has brought about these actions, but alas they are here. I think its because more often than not as I explain my choices, I will find myself having defend against arguments that my thoughts are incorrect or there is something wrong with the reasoning behind my decision. For years I have made my own decisions, and while there have always been consequences to my actions, I have always faced them head on. Why do people feel the need to remind me of these consequences? I am well aware of the choices I am making and the repercussions of said actions. If you are simply asking to argue the choice, then please refrain from doing so, its not needed.

So therefore I am choosing to never explain... not the choices I make throughout my life, whether frivolous or serious. They are my choices to make and I am proud of the life I live.

Until next time....

How Far Will You Go?

We all have those moments where you are going after something extravagant in your life, and its a constant struggle to get anywhere near it, but you keep pushing forward.

I am one who goes after her dreams with almost a tunnel vision. I admit to it and know it. However, I sometimes believe its the key to me getting things done. I need to be on task and on target and not distracted in order to really get it together for myself. So, sometimes I will find myself frustrated when the progress is not going as I had expected. At that point, I always wonder about what I am doing. And that brings up a barrage of questions.

But I guess the main point amongst all of it... Is there ever a point at which you should take a step back because maybe you are fighting for the wrong thing, even though it seems like the right thing? What scenarios make this an acceptable avenue? In what situations is it totally unacceptable? I always wonder if I am pushing too hard for the wrong thing, and if I should be placing my focus in another area. I hate that indecision moment, where nothing really seems like the appropriate choice.

So looking for my readers to weigh in with their thoughts....

Joyful Heart Foundation & Teen Violence Thoughts

So this month is Teen Dating Violence Awareness & Prevention month, and also a month where the Joyful Heart Foundation goes after a grant of $250,000. So these two issues, while may seem completely different, they really are not all that different in the long run. So let me explain, and then ask my question.... because I did have a question at the end of all of it.

The Joyful Heart Foundation (www.joyfulheartfoundation.org) is competing for a $250,000 grant to be able to produce their "Reunion" Magazine. This magazine reaches out to both survivors and caregivers. It has helped to create a community amongst survivors where they see that they are not the only ones going through all sorts of issues that come with sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse, etc. The issues discussed in the magazine are very helpful and thorough, and it is an excellent tool that should be available to any survivor as well as the caregivers/healers that help the survivors. I feel strongly that everything that this organization sets out to do is different than any other organization and because of their creativity in programming, I strongly support the organization in every way that I can. I wear one of their necklaces with pride each and every day, and would shout their name from the rooftops if I had to. So, if you can take a moment and vote once every day this month so that they can win this grant, I would be eternally grateful! Go to www.refresheverything.com/votejoy to vote for them.

Now onto the topic of teen violence ... It is such a scary concept that teen violence in relationships is so prevalent that it needs a month dedicated to discussing the topic. However, as such, I find that it has brought to mind a few questions of my own in regards to relationships. As one who has grown up in an environment that did not necessarily portray the best model for a relationship, I, often times, as a grown person do not even know if everything that I have always taken as acceptable in relationships really should be considered acceptable. So the question came to me, when exactly does behavior turn from simply unacceptable to abusive? And the reason I ask the question is because if I as an adult don't have my own clear definition, how should I expect that a teenager, who is not as "well versed" in the ways of life, would have their own clear definition to live by.

Granted the easy choice is the moment a hand is raised for any reason..thats abusive. However, I guess my question is more about the mental games that we all play with one another. When do these mental games become something that should be considered beyond unacceptable? Is it just when the verbal abuse comes about (ie namecalling, putdowns, etc)? Or are there other versions as well? And at what point does it go beyond just unacceptable to unhealthy and detrimental to one's own health? Where do you draw the line in the sand? How much are we willing to accept before we walk away from even that which is supposed to be something so beautiful? Obviously, our own lines are going to be different, but I am just curious.... For some reason, these thoughts came into my head and I just had to ask. I would like to be able to have a definition so that if ever asked by one of my younger cousins, I would have a clear concise answer to provide.

Prior to asking myself these questions, I had always defined it as the moment one becomes uncomfortable with the actions of another, that becomes abusive and unacceptable. However, I have realized, after some thinking, that this line can be changed as you go through life because most often we will change our view to make the life we are currently leading fit what we deem as acceptable. For example, you may hate that your mate leaves the seat up all the time, but its something that you learn to live with even though its something that you had previously deemed unacceptable. At what point does altering our lives in this manner become unnacceptable?

I am curious to see your answers.....

Seething Rage and Sadness

So, normally, I am not big into paying attention to the political happenings of the world. However, when it involves the passion of my life, working for sexual assault victims, I stand up at attention and pay attention in every way possible. Tonight, Sen Brown won his fight in Massachusetts. This man is against offering emergency contraception to rape victims. And now he's in Congress.... LORD LOVE A DUCK!

How can people take away the right of a rape victim to avoid a possible pregnancy? How do you force a rape victim to have a child that is the product of the rape? How do you force a child to be born into either that situation or in foster care when it could have been avoided? And mind you, if the child ends up in foster care, they are then on your dime, also. So.... how does this idea help anyone.

I don't care if the man has a million other brilliant ideas, this one idea is horrid. How would he feel if it was his mother, sister, wife, best friend, daughter?

I just cannot fathom the idea of it even. As a passionate advocate for sexual assault/domestic violence/child abuse victims and causes, this is something that makes me see red, and then cry the next minute because now he has the power to push his un-educated ideas on people who have already gone through enough. Has even ever spoken with a rape victim? How about the child who was the product of rape and was raised by a mother who had the constant reminder in her face, and never got over it? Has he ever even considered what damage is caused by such a situation? Have his supporters ever considered that?

I say that everyone has the right to vote for the candidate of their choice, thats why we live in the US, and have the right to vote. But some principles need to be brought up against extreme scrutiny and must be explained.... not just accepted.

Ok, rant complete... but pain, sadness and rage... not gone....